As the polls show varying degrees of his lead, Barack Obama prepares for his inauguration. I pray with all my heart that it never comes to pass, but everyone has to hedge their bets so, since I’ve offered advice to President Bush and Senator McCain, I’d hate to be accused of being a racist so I’m offering the following speech for President Elect Obama’s inauguration:
My fellow citizens of the United Socialist States of America, I’d like to thank you and welcome all of you middle-class workers to your future status as welfare moms. I’d especially like to thank CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, The New York Times and a host of other liberal media outlets and newspapers. Because they totally ignored my associations with socialist and Marxist professors, terrorists and militant activists; because they gave me a pass on tough questions like why I sued the Clinton administration to force banks to make NINJA home loans to people that couldn’t pay them back, and why I couldn’t produce a valid birth certificate to prove American citizenship to demonstrate my eligibility to attain this highest office. Because they helped me shroud my vision of a socialist America from all you hardworking mainstream Americans under the cloud of “hope and change”, I am able to stand before you to pledge to work as hard as I can in the next two years while the left controls both houses of Congress to nationalize health care, bringing the quality down to that of other countries in the United Nations who can’t afford band-aids.
I pledge to tax corporations at a rate that will leave them just enough money to operate but not enough to invest in growth and development, innovation or pay raises, which you won’t need anymore because the top priority of my administration will be to equalize all wealth among all citizens, working or not so that we can all work together as one proletariat for the good of all members of society.
I pledge to nationalize your 401(K)s and IRAs so they can be administered by the Social Security Administration and set your annual growth rate at 3%.
Follow up:
With the influx of cash realized by converting hard earned savings from high yield funds to treasury bills the Social Security system should be able to stave off bankruptcy until just prior to your retirement age which, by the way, will be raised to age 75. And by eliminating the tax deduction for contributions your government will be able to realize additional revenues of 80B per year.
I pledge to not raise taxes on people making less than $150,000 per year because I know that by letting the Bush tax cuts expire, your rate will automatically be increased, so I don’t have to raise taxes to get more from you.
I pledge to offer free college tuition to any who want to go, regardless of their ability to read and write upon completion of high school, requiring only that they have passed mandatory sex education since kindergarten.
I pledge to preserve the pristine wilderness of ANWR, because the caribou need all 2,000,000 acres even though drilling the oil there would only take about 2,000 acres and would actually help increase the size and quality of the herd.
I pledge to not drill offshore in the Gulf of Mexico because that might endanger the $700,000,000,000 gift that we send to countries that hate us, even though the mere suggestion of drilling at home sparked a drop in the price of crude oil on the world market.
I pledge to cease all nuclear research and development even as a source of alternative energy in spite of the fact that we have been running submarines and aircraft carriers for almost 60 years without a nuclear disaster.
I pledge to turn my back on our allies as well as our enemies, refusing to strike preemptively under any conditions, and in the event of another attack on our soil I will turn to the United Nations for their guidance and leadership before taking any action. These actions alone will not only make our military one of the safest jobs in the world, with our troops secure in the knowledge that they will never face combat at home or abroad, but will make it possible to cut military budgets and staffing, making service in the U.S. armed forces a highly sought after position. Unless the U.N. requires our intervention in some third-world country engaged in tribal warfare.
In that case I pledge to send our troops in under the command of other nations who may or may not hate us, unreimbursed for our sacrifices on their behalf. I further pledge to rebuild any such countries at our own expense and without expectation of recoupment.
I pledge to send foreign aid in the form of cash to countries like Georgia but will penalize American companies that try to create jobs there in order to help them become self-sustaining democracies that won’t need foreign assistance. At the same time I will meet, without precondition, the leaders of Russia, who invaded Georgia. But make no mistake; I will put absolutely no pressure on them to assist in the rebuilding.
And finally, I pledge to disintegrate the greatest nation in the history of the earth into mediocrity or worse, as I take every step possible toward creating a one-world government and a one-world currency under the control of myself, the radical left, and a consortium of America’s most reviled enemies.
Good night, citizens of America. Sleep well. Sieg Heil
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